You are Unique. So is Your Grief.

Whether it comes in stages, waves, or something else entirely, grief is one thing we will all experience at some point in our lives. It could follow the death of a family member, a friend, a pet, or even the loss of a relationship or a job: grief and bereavement is inevitable. For something that everyone is bound to experience, grief is hardly talked about in our culture and society. It’s frequently seen as taboo to discuss due to the uncomfortable, confusing, and complicated nature. 

As a therapist who specializes in grief and bereavement, it is my belief that having these difficult conversations is important for understanding, processing, and continuing life after a loss. So what exactly is grief and bereavement and what is the difference? Grief is generally one’s initial reaction and feelings to a death or major loss across physical, social, emotional, and behavioral facets. Bereavement are the experiences and adjustment to life that follows after the loss. 

The most common conceptualization of grief in adults is the DABDA model, founded by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. This is a linear model for grief which transitions through 5 stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. This is a commonly recognized understanding of grief by most individuals. While I believe these stages can be true for some, I also believe that it won’t fit for everyone. In my experience working with grieving individuals, the process is not always a straight line. Some people may go through all of the stages, some may only experience a few, and others may experience something else entirely. For those that do experience these phases, it may not be perfectly linear and look more like an ebbing and flowing, in and out of the different phases multiple times in no specific order. Grief is unique to each individual and their relationship with the deceased. 

Grief is the initial reaction and feelings to a death or major loss across physical, social, emotional, and behavioral facets. Bereavement are the experiences and adjustment to life that follows after the loss. 

A model that I learned in my time working as a therapist in hospice, and prefer to use with grieving adults, is called the Four Tasks of Mourning, founded and described by William Worden in his book Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner. These tasks are not explicitly linear and can be used as a framework for adapting to one’s life after a major loss. 

The first task of the four is “Accepting the Reality of the Loss.” This takes place by slowly becoming more familiar and aware of the absence of the loss. Initially, it can sometimes feel easier to pretend the loss has not happened, but this coping narrative can become more painful to perpetuate as time continues on. When a person is gone, they leave a hole in our lives. If this hole is left unacknowledged for an extended period, we leave ourselves at risk of losing parts of ourselves as well. 

The second task is to “Process the Pain of Grief.” This task includes the emotional processing of feelings that have resulted from the loss. This can show up in varying reactions and  experiences such as sadness, anger, frustration, relief, and more. This task also encompasses processing and working through the associated physical, social, behavioral, and existential reactions to the change. 

The third task is “Adjusting to a World Without the Deceased.” After a major loss, our physical world may change just as much as our internal world. This task requires learning how to exist in an unknown world with new or differing responsibilities, routines, habits, and interactions. Furthermore, this task invites opportunities for reflection and deeper learning about one’s self, identity, and how they show up in the world. 

The final task of the four is to “Find an Enduring Connection with the Deceased While Moving Forward.” Grief is not something that goes away or that someone can be cured of, but it can take new shapes within one’s life. The goal is not to forget the loss but to remain grounded in life while maintaining a unique connection to the deceased. This connection is maintained by developing rituals, telling stories, and memorializing the deceased while continuing to strive for new life experiences in fulfilling ways. It is learning not only how to survive, but how to live, and even prosper, after a loved one dies. 

Additionally, it is important to note that not all losses or connections to the deceased are the same. Perhaps the relationship with the deceased was strained or unfulfilling. Not only could you be mourning the loss of the person but also grieving the person they never were or the person you needed them to be but they never had the chance to become. These four tasks do not exclude those circumstances but encourage healing in individualized ways. The grief process is unique. There is no right or wrong way to grieve a loss. While your experiences may resonate with some, it does not have to resonate with all. However you experience grief, whether it be linear or oscillating, there is no superior way to grieve. One or both of these experiences can prove true. 

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves, ebbing and flowing. 

Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming.

 All we can do is learn to swim.” - Vicki Harrison