A Dash of Spice: Keeping Love from Going Bland

The 18th-century poet William Cowper wrote, “Variety’s the very spice of life.” While he was writing about much larger themes, his words capture a truth that still resonates: variety, novelty, and balance make life richer. The same is true in intimate partner relationships. Love isn’t built on a single ingredient; it needs a mix to stay flavorful, nourishing, and uniquely yours.

The Recipe of Relationships

Intimate partnerships are often like a secret family recipe. Many relationships draw from the same pantry of ingredients such as trust, humor, and shared goals, but no two ever taste the same. Each couple has their own blend: sweetness in inside jokes and shared dreams, or at times bitterness in disagreements or old resentments. The question is how partners can keep the right ingredients on hand, avoid a bad batch, and still make room for a little spice.

A Key Ingredient: Intimacy Keeping Love from Going Bland

As the name suggests, intimate partner relationships are built on a closeness that goes beyond what we usually experience with friends or family. We might share emotional intimacy with siblings or close friends when we tell our stories and lean on each other for support, and we might even have affectionate intimacy through hugs or familiar comfort. But most people reserve other forms of intimacy, especially physical, for an intimate partner.

Comfort without care can slip into complacency.  Keeping Love from Going Blan Keeping Love from Going BlandGoing Bland

The word intimacy itself can be slippery. Some people use intimacy to describe deep emotional trust or feeling truly seen and understood. Others use it as a polite way to talk about sex or other forms of physical contact. In truth, intimacy can hold all of these meanings and more. That’s why, as a therapist, one of the first things I do when the word comes up with clients is to ask what intimacy means to them.

Once partners define the word intimacy for themselves, the next step is to expand it. Just as recipes become more flavorful with a wider range of ingredients, relationships deepen when we embrace a broader view of intimacy. Emotional, playful, and physical closeness all belong in the mix. At its core, intimacy is about connection—the kind that makes each person feel safe, valued, and understood. When relationships turn sour or lose their spark, intimacy is often the ingredient most in need of replenishing.

Sprinkling in Some Spice

As time goes on, people usually become more comfortable in their intimate relationships. This comfort is a gift, because nothing creates connection quite like showing up fully as yourself and feeling accepted and valued by a partner. Yet even the best recipes can fall flat if we stop paying attention to the ingredients. Comfort without care can slip into complacency. Partners may take each other for granted, let small annoyances fester, or forget to season the relationship with thoughtfulness and play.

Prioritizing intimacy—emotional, playful, and physical—helps keep the mix balanced. It is the ingredient that turns ordinary into meaningful, preventing the sweet from becoming bland and the bitter from overwhelming. In the weeks ahead, I’ll be sharing simple practices you and your partner can add to your routine to strengthen connection and keep your relationship flavorful. After all, as Cowper reminded us, variety really is the spice of life.