Parenting Priorities: Back to School Edition

Parenting During Transitions

Parenting is a hodgepodge of our own values mixed with the hope we’ll have the tools to share them and the fear it won’t be enough. In times of stress, every little choice can feel monumental, while times of peace allow for far more flexibility. Psychotherapist David Richo notes that “your behavior is the final determinant of your values” prompting us parents to intentionally behave in ways that speak towards a greater purpose rather than to react without reason. This constant choice to act accordingly can be exceptionally challenging when it feels there’s so much to communicate to our kids about who and how they can be. Parenting priorities

Because of this, decision fatigue can increase rapidly as the school year begins. The shift to managing new schedules, school shopping for supplies and making time for homework and daily debriefs requires lots of choices to be made, constantly. In times of transition, finding our footing can be difficult, especially when there are so many things we deeply care about. While ensuring our kids feel loved is a common concern, the practicality of what that looks like can be quite complicated. 

Determining Your Parenting Legacy 

A few summers ago we were on vacation and I decided to ask my family “if your kids were to come back in 15 years and say ‘Wow, you really taught me _________,’ what would you want them to say?” As one might expect, my family’s responses were congruent with their beliefs and aligned with the ways they orchestrate their time and commitments. I’ve asked friends and clients the same question and find that everyone can come up with an answer that essentially sums up their beliefs and approach to parenting. 

I want my kids to say they felt safe. 

I want my kids to share my faith.

I want my kids to say they felt loved.

I want my kids to say they felt supported.

Each statement above reveals an underlying value and therefore a set of behaviors and choices for those who spoke it. For parents who prioritize their children’s safety, an emphasis on protection commonly appears in the questions they ask, the attention they give, and the permissions and restrictions they enforce. For parents who desire that their kids share their faith, time is spent at religious events, engaging with faith traditions and rituals, and utilizing language that identifies their beliefs in their everyday dialogue. Parents who emphasize support often invest extra energy in conversations with their kids, or providing opportunities for them to excel in their interest.  

Matching Intentions With Interpretations

In seasons of growth and change, it can be hard to zoom out to consider the macro lessons being taught in the micro moments. With so many things to consider, determining what to prioritize can feel daunting as we manage our own responsibilities as adults: our roles as parents, partners, friends, family, and employees. In this state we can fall victim to the idea that only one option is available. 

When feeling the restrictions of time, we can often feel a pressure to avoid regrets. Instead of focusing on what we want to have done well, we fixate on what we could do poorly. Unfortunately, focusing on avoiding regrets can lead to an anxious obsession of avoiding mistakes and pushing past our boundaries as we justify our choices with a YOLO approach. 

I don’t want my kid to feel ignored so I’ll plan every hour of the day together.

I don’t want my kids to get behind, so I’ll constantly check in on their schoolwork.

I don’t want my kid to get hurt so I’ll protect them from everything and everyone.

In our avoidance of potential conflict, we end up avoiding opportunities to authentically connect and grow together. In emphasizing the negative via avoidance, we forget the main motivation behind the fear. 

I want my kids to feel seen, important, or cared for. 

I want my kids to feel successful, to excel, to have a hopeful future. 

I want my kids to be safe, have a good childhood, and feel loved.

Child psychologist, Dr. Becky, teaches the concept that “two things are true" invites parents to acknowledge the space for multiple realities at once. We can prioritize time with our kids, while also modeling time for ourselves or our partners. We can invest in our children’s success while also supporting their growing independence and abilities. We can work to minimize risky situations, while affirming resilience and teaching effective communication.  

In allowing multiple truths to coexist, we can find common themes that show up in our choices. And in allowing ourselves to imagine a future where we did something well, we shift our priorities to what’s most important right now. 

Cultivating Personal Guiding Principles

I’ve asked myself and my husband the same question I posed at the beginning, and we both came up with different answers for what we want our four and five year old daughters to say about what they will have learned from us.

The mix of my own life experiences, my values as a parent, and their current life stage has led me to hope that they would say I taught them about self trust. I want my kids to trust themselves and I want them to have insight to know when they need to seek support. I want them to know how to trust others and I want them to feel confident in their ability to discern who is trustworthy versus who is not. 

Ultimately, I want the same for them that I hope for myself. I want them to be compassionate to their past selves because of a confidence that they did the best they could with what they had. I also want them to know that self trust isn’t arrogance in thinking we’ve always made a perfect choice - instead it’s a security that we made an informed and considered choice. It requires humility to keep growing, alongside the confidence that we are and have grown. 

Preparing for the New Season

As you prepare for the end of summer and what this new season brings, take some time to reflect on what you’d like your kids, or future self, to say about how you showed up in this season. It’s impossible to do everything well at once so identifying a few specific values or guiding principles can help you determine what to invest in versus what to let go. 

The section below provides specific ways for you to engage on your own or with your family with age appropriate activities. 

Interactive Activities for Value Discovery

Individuals can do a value sort using ACT’s 52 values HERE. Each round will ask you to narrow down your selection:

• Round 1 I suggest going based on your first instinct of keep or pass

• Round 2 reviews what is yours versus what you’ve been told is important

• Round 3 clarifies what motivates you

• Round 4 is what you can’t live without

Families can brainstorm what words they want to guide them this school year:

• Highly literate children can cut up ACT’s value list and pull out a word they want to guide them (Pick your top 3)

• For kids still developing their vocabulary, caregivers can select ten words and write and draw them out for their kids to contemplate (pull from the ACT list above or try using this virtue list from the virtuesproject.com) 

• For children not reading yet, caregivers can select a value or virtue from the lists above and invite collaborative reflections on ways their kids embodied it each day (ex. How were you BRAVE today?) 

By taking time to intentionally connect with one another at the start of this season, you can all work together to ensure a school year that stays focused on what really matters to your family, both now and moving forward. 

Lauryn Estrada, LPCC is a published author and illustrator of books for children. Find her work here