The How to Be Human Starter Kit: Therapist-Recommended Books for Growth, Relationships, and Self-Understanding

I find myself frequently sharing texts relevant to the content we’re working on, which given the focus of my clientele tends to be one of six books.  All of this has culminated in what I like to think of as my How to Be Human Starter Kit. A list of books that all aid in the difficult process of being human.

My sister is someone who is equally easy and difficult to shop for. I know her well enough to know her style and preferences, but also well enough to know that she’ll get the things she wants and needs on her own. 

I like to think that having a therapist as a sister has some perks, so a few years ago I decided to shift from trying to guess what shirt she’d like most, to sending her books based on our conversations. While my direct counsel is shared through the bias of sisterly love, my book suggestions get to say all the things that are hard to hear from one’s younger sister. 

Moving outside of my sister I began sharing books as wedding gifts, aiming to be proactive in providing the tools my personal and professional experience have informed me newlyweds might need. 

While I love giving a good book, recommendations are more appropriate for my work with clients. Although our work together often exposes them to the concepts I’ve gleaned from various texts, I believe there's something magical that happens when we read (or listen for the audio bookies out there) on our own. Therefore I find myself frequently sharing texts relevant to the content we’re working on, which given the focus of my clientele tends to be one of six books. 

All of this has culminated in what I like to think of as my How to Be Human Starter Kit. A list of books that all aid in the difficult process of being human. Whether you’re a client, friend, or stranger sharing about your life, it’s likely I’ll be recommending at least one off this list. While my top suggestion is to read through these texts with a friend, group, or therapist, reading them solo also provides a wealth of information sure to help you be your best self. 

Without further ado, I present the How to Be Human Starter Kit:

How to Be An Adult by David Richo - if you can get past feeling offended by the presumption of the title, this book will build the foundation of how to understand oneself with compassion and curiosity as well as how to courageously engage with others. It is technically a short read, but the density of each chapter requires that one goes through it slowly and with a highlighter. My most frequently used quote from this book is that anger "signals something I value is in jeopardy.” My husband is a high school teacher and I had to buy him his own copy because he was using it so frequently with his students. Truly a goldmine of info in here. 

Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg - if you are someone who talks to other people this book is for you! Rosenberg developed the structure of NVC to help create a way for people to connect with each other despite vastly different perspectives and beliefs. This step by step book outlines how to listen to what people are actually meaning vs what they are saying and how to say what you actually mean. The fundamental idea is that we often speak from a stance of violence resulting in defensive reactions. If we can posture our bodies and words in non-violent ways, others will feel safe to lower their defenses allowing for authentic and honest interactions. It feels a bit clunky at first, but overtime it can change the way you speak with and hear others in wonderful ways. 

The Wisdom of Your Body by Hilary McBride - if you have a body, this book will provide a new way to engage with it. McBride finds a way to summarize content from countless other resources in a way that is articulate and accessible. Beginning with the concept of embodiment, she explores the bodily experiences of stress, trauma, sexuality, pleasure, body image, oppression, and spirituality, all the while inviting readers to reflect on their own stories while beautifully sharing her own. 

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski - if you are a female or engage with females, or if you are a person who is sexual, then this is a must read! While it’s marketed towards female identifying individuals, the information is relevant to all gender expressions. I used it as a required text when I taught Human Sexuality for graduate level counseling students due to its ability to both communicate scientific data and theories and to do so in a way that is entertaining and relatable. Most of my analogies for sex, sexuality, stress, and emotions come from this book. It’s a wonderful way to learn about the experience of pleasure and why it can seem so elusive to some and available to others. 

The Will to Change by bell hooks - if you are a male or interact with males, this book is for you! While I’ve long considered myself a feminist (someone who rejects a hierarchical value of gender expressions), this book provided concrete language for understanding the difficulty of making that our cultural norm. In her own stories, critique of other writers, and experience as a visionary feminist leader, hooks names the restrictive nature of patriarchy for men and women alike, the ways it gets perpetuated, and provides hope for how to dismantle it. By naming the ways men are harmed by their limited expression of emotions, she invites readers to imagine a new way of affirming strength and connection with others. Be warned that reading this will shift your experience of the world around you (patriarchy is rampant). A common criticism of this book is the repetition throughout; however, hooks acknowledges the repetitive aspect of the text, naming the need to describe the harm of white supremacy capitalist patriarchy in its many forms.

The Seven Principles of Marriage by John and Julie Gottman - if you are a person in an intimate relationship, or you would like to be a person in an intimate relationship one day, this text will give you a solid foundation for how to engage empathetically, honestly, and intentionally with a partner. Holding the record for the most research on successful and unsuccessful relationships, the Gottmans give specific ways to address conflict, build friendship, and support a loving connection over time. This is the closest thing to an empirically based research guide book on relationships you can get.